Widows Fire

Syed Sharfuddin

Last Wednesday on 21 August 2024 while driving to the local recycling centre in Merton, I accidentally tuned into BBC Radio 4 programme ‘Women’s Hour’ where women who had suddenly lost their husbands to death were discussing a strange side effect of bereavement. It was an inexplicable desire for sexual gratification resulting in high libido or hyper arousal for the widows. The programme was moderated by Nuala McGovern who explored this taboo with other participants Lizzie Griffith and Stacey Healy, author of the book: Now is Not the Time for Flowers about their experience of being widowed. They were also joined by a woman psychotherapist Lucy Beresford who tried to explain what might be going on with the biology and mental state of these women who had experienced the widow’s fire so soon after the departure of their loving husbands. There were also emails and phone in by listeners who experienced this phenomenon and who confirmed that it was a fact and not fiction and perhaps a form of natural relief from distress.

The conversations of participants moved between feelings of guilt and helplessness as they were overwhelmed by an uncontrolled libido even though they had lived happy and fulfilling lives with their deceased husbands. Some widows said they stopped socialising and seeing their friends rather than face embarrassing questions from them about how they could take a boyfriend or male partner so soon after the death of their husband while the tears of grief had not fully dried on their cheeks. In the end it was agreed that this was a natural feeling beyond their control, and they need not feel ashamed about it, even though at the time it is the most difficult thing to overcome and rationalise to themselves and those around them, as well as in the close family.

After listening to this programme my mind went straight to the advice given by Allah Subhanuhu-wa-Taala in the holy Quran about what should a widow do when she is in bereavement and how other men should behave with her during this timeframe. Allah created Adam and his progeny and gave them an operating manual in the form of divine scripture to regulate their behaviour which is ingrained their instinct and nature. Human survival depends on social integration which includes the function of reproduction and raising family. The desire to be attracted to the opposite sex and copulate as natural as hunger or thirst. It is also an unavoidable requirement for the continuation of human race. When it is regulated by divine laws it becomes a blessing. When it is unbridled, it becomes a disease. This desire gets heightened when one is most vulnerable because it is a defensive biological and psychological mechanism to survive and seek support in adversity. Widows fire is an innate expression of this desire and a strong expression of not to be left alone and discarded after her protector and partner has suddenly passed away leaving her at the mercy of the forces of nature.

وَٱلَّذِينَ يُتَوَفَّوْنَ مِنكُمْ وَيَذَرُونَ أَزْوَاجاً يَتَرَبَّصْنَ بِأَنْفُسِهِنَّ أَرْبَعَةَ أَشْهُرٍ وَعَشْراً فَإِذَا بَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَلاَ جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا فَعَلْنَ فِيۤ أَنْفُسِهِنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ وَٱللَّهُ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرٌ ]234[ وَلاَ جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا عَرَّضْتُمْ بِهِ مِنْ خِطْبَةِ ٱلنِّسَآءِ أَوْ أَكْنَنتُمْ فِيۤ أَنْفُسِكُمْ عَلِمَ ٱللَّهُ أَنَّكُمْ سَتَذْكُرُونَهُنَّ وَلَـٰكِن لاَّ تُوَاعِدُوهُنَّ سِرّاً إِلاَّ أَن تَقُولُواْ قَوْلاً مَّعْرُوفاً وَلاَ تَعْزِمُوۤاْ عُقْدَةَ ٱلنِّكَاحِ حَتَّىٰ يَبْلُغَ ٱلْكِتَابُ أَجَلَهُ وَٱعْلَمُوۤاْ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَعْلَمُ مَا فِيۤ أَنْفُسِكُمْ فَٱحْذَرُوهُ وَٱعْلَمُوۤاْ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ غَفُورٌ حَلِيمٌ ]235][

[If any of you die and leave widows, these widows should wait for four months and ten nights before remarrying. When the widows have completed the set time which is Iddah, they will not be blamed for anything they reasonably choose to do with themselves, such as remarry or stay single. Allah is fully aware of what you do. [Surah Al Baqara, verse 234]. You men will not be blamed whether you give a hint to the widows who are observing Iddah that you wish to marry them, or keep your intention silent until the widows complete the prescribed period of Iddah. Allah knows what is in your hearts if you intend to propose to these women. Do not make a secret arrangement to sleep with them or seek them out in secrecy. When you speak to them, respect them and use honourable words that are permissible by Sharia law such as making a proposal to marry and give them the choice to decide if they are ready for remarriage and prepared to take you as their new husband. And do not resolve to tie the knot of marriage and fulfil consummation until the prescribed period of Iddah has reached its end. Remember Allah knows what is in your hearts, so be mindful of Him. Remember that Allah is most forgiving and most forbearing. [Surah Al Baqara, verse 235].

In these two verses Allah tells the believers that they should be careful when a widow is going through her bereavement during the Iddah. This is the time when she is most vulnerable and can be easily swayed because her body is on fire due to the instinct of funding a partner and be comforted and wanted. Allah gives believing men and women a double protection against this fire. The first is the advice to the widow to complete the prescribed period of three months and ten days of Iddah before she decides whether to remarry or stay single. Sex is outlawed for her in this period even through the otherwise legitimate route of Islamic wedding. The second protection is the warning given to men not to exploit the natural vulnerability of widows and establish illicit sexual relations with them even through consummating the marriage with them during the forbidden period of Iddah.

Islam does not prevent widows from restarting their family life by remarrying, instead of being discarded as recluse or freelancing to satisfy their biological and social needs. At the same time the period of Iddah ensures that all biological connections from the deceased or divorced husband are severed before a widow or a divorced woman takes on another husband. Although a woman knows the identity of the father of her child, the period of Iddah ensures social harmony and peace of mind for the society, the new husband as well as for the future child in the context of inheritance laws and their family tree. Truly there are signs in the verses of the holy Quran for the faithful to see and follow for their own good.

August 29, 2024.